Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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