We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
