That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
