she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
