I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
