Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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