literally had 100 drinks last night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And then my night got REAL pukey
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
