I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
