you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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