my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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