dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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