if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
