i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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