I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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