At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
did you just send me my own nude
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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