I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dear god my vagina.
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