I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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