Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
