what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
