You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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