I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
