i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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