the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
