Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
My feet surprised me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
