george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
