I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's always time for handjobs
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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