her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
