Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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