Where is the hickey?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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