Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize