Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
