bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
