My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
There's always time for handjobs
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
