you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
