Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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