Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize