It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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