we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
