Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
