Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
