You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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