dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I am available for nakedness
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
