I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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