I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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