I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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