i just had sex bonerless
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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