i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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