you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
