She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
