hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
