wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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