Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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