I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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