I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
