I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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