i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's like God shit irony all over that family
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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