I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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