Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
barbara walters just said penis...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize