is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
