she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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