update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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