Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
