no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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