Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
